Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old: The dog.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings
There should be more Christmas tunes about vengeance.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.