Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
You Might Also Like
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Not all heroes wear capes.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection