Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

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[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*


Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all


A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo


My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.


[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]


I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen


Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.


I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.


*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius


Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.