Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom


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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.


My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.


Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.


God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!


“why didnt we learn this school?” bitch we did but you was just drawing an eye


Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.