Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Probably my best painting.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.