The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
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McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
Don’t hate the player, play the player. They never see that coming.
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.