@bartandsoul

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

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@cray_at_home_ma

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@lilpwoppa

Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

@maratesk

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

@nickhatepage

“why didnt we learn this school?” bitch we did but you was just drawing an eye

@VancityReynolds

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

@booyahchadly

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.