Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom


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The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me


McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.


Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?


I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.


Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.


“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.


Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those


[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!


Don’t hate the player, play the player. They never see that coming.


Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.