Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
me: can i sign ur cast
movie director: no
Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.