@bartandsoul

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

You Might Also Like

@mydmac

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

@Try2StopME

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

@izrigrod

Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@OBiiieeee

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

@goodhairperson

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.