Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
You Might Also Like
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Everyone’s family
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*