Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
I know 5 people who are clinically insane
I’m two of them…
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*
TWIN: she’ll never find out about us
ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*