@rockymomax

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

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@addyosmani

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

@nyquills

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@HuffPostComedy

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

@RoosterMustache

*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*

TWIN: she’ll never find out about us

ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy

@andrewnotsicko

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

@dave_cactus

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.