HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Just a bush.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”