her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?