HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”