Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.