Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony


My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.


I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.