@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

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@squirrel74wkgn

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

@GrumpyBahr

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

@mereip

*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco

@DadandBuried

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

@Contwixt

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

@GrowlyGrego

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”

@lazerdoov

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints