@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

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@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@ErrenMichaels

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.