~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
😂 I’m dying over here
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“I’m a diamond in the rough.”
“That’s a whole lot of rough.”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints