half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.