Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My favorite female superhero
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.