Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
New favorite tiktok
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
how was your vacation