@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

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@JerseyRambo

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

@VanGobot

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

@wittwitbarista

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

@CheryeDavis

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

@BrattyBarbie

Where there’s a will there’s an “OMG! What’s it say!? What does it say?”.

@swiftenhaal

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

@whatmaddness

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

@goldengateblond

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

@Browtweaten

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary