Her: Hi hun. Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left

screw you

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

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