@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.

@gabydunn: You: "Nice glasses." Me: "Thanks. They'd look better on your nightstand."

@nyquills: God: you're man's best friend Dog: OMG! Love it! God: yup Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime! God: well.. Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together! God: you live in a kennel in the yard Dog: what

@KentWGraham: Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

@Lowenaffchen: Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead