Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Heroic Misunderstanding
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.