her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
You Might Also Like
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now