Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”