@heidi420x

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

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@spaceboyriley

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

@Marcmywords2

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

@pizzajaynow

When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.

@DanMentos

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@daemonic3

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?