Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Her: how are you
Her: you sure?
Her: you’re alright?
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
*throws bread at her feet*
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both