What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.