Her: How do you get girls?

Me: I’m smart and funny.

Her: That works?

Me: No I’m terribly alone, I was just saying.

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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind


My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”


I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.


Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”



me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please


My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!