Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
couldn’t resist
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I have a type: disappointing
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
a badder mouse
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
For anyone who needs this today
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.