@vexroid

Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed

You Might Also Like

@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

@HatfieldAnne

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

@Gupton68

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

@realHamOnWry

A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

@FSUSteve

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@ericsshadow

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

@CheckMeowTBruh

Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident