True
You Might Also Like
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
One of the best
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.