Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed

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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today


Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.


The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!


A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.


My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?


“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite


MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction


If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.


Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident