Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??
Me: Beats me
*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?
Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands
Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…
Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident