Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My five year plan is a meteorite
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Human are so complicated
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take