Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*