Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.