Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Meowchelangelo
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with