Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown