@AboveAverageTom

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women.

Me: I wonder how many push ups a gorilla can do

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@batkaren

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

@Tmoney68

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

@celestinelea90

Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene

@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.

@Sir_Strange

*goes on job interview*

-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.

@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop