@AboveAverageTom

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women.

Me: I wonder how many push ups a gorilla can do

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@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@Wine_Charmer

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

@BrettDruck

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

@Pumpkinbabypie

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm