On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women.
Me: I wonder how many push ups a gorilla can do
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I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm