Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
That’s fair
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.