HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
You Might Also Like
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
pictures of spider-man
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[montage of me giving-up]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Happy thanksgiving!
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
socratic questions
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]