Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!


Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever

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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”


My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.


Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.


Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.


My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.


[First Day as a doctor]

Nurse: We need to draw some blood

Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets

Patient: *fainted*


[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.


My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago


Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.