@YeahDrewisOn

Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!

Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever

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@BeerBatterBeard

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

@dixonshuman

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@clindsaysway

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

@UnfilteredMama

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

@Jerrypleasure

[First Day as a doctor]

Nurse: We need to draw some blood

Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets

Patient: *fainted*

@BoomBoomBetty

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.