Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*