Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.