Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.