Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Fe
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Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb