@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

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@50FirstTates

god: give humans eyelashes

angel: what are those?

god: they stop things from getting in their eyes

angel: what gets in their eyes?

satan: eyelashes lmao

@Rollinintheseat

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@fro_vo

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@SaltyCorpse

The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@dorsalstream

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

@andylassner

Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.

Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.

Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.