HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

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god: give humans eyelashes

angel: what are those?

god: they stop things from getting in their eyes

angel: what gets in their eyes?

satan: eyelashes lmao


AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.


Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him


Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense


My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”


My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.


The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…


Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.


[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.


Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.

Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.

Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.