Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Her: I do.
And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend