Executioner: any last words?
Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch
Her: I do.
And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.
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My ideal woman:
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.