Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else


At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*


“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.


I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!


I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’


You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.


SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend