Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

You Might Also Like


Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch


My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc


Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort


First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count


Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.


I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”



•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.


A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.


Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.