Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!
Her: I don’t believe in casual sex.
Me: I’ll wear a suit.
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Interviewer: Where were you born?
I: What state are you in now?
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
8: teach me karate
[flashback to us nearly burning the house down trying to bake a cake together]
Me: first things first, we need a sword
I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?
Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.