@refinedrednec

Her: I don’t believe in casual sex.

Me: I’ll wear a suit.

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@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@TheAlexNevil

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

@SoVeryBritish

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

@RocketRankoon

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

@kwirkyKerri

“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@thenatewolf

*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*

Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.