Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.