Her: I don’t believe in casual sex.

Me: I’ll wear a suit.

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me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now


I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.


How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised


Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill


Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.


“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.


I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.


*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter*

Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.


Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.