Her: I don’t believe in casual sex.

Me: I’ll wear a suit.

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Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.


One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week


I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”


I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race


I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*


Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?


8: teach me karate

[flashback to us nearly burning the house down trying to bake a cake together]

Me: first things first, we need a sword


I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.


Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.