@refinedrednec

Her: I don’t believe in casual sex.

Me: I’ll wear a suit.

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@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.

@alldrolledup

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@heytonyiscool

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@DaddyJew

8: teach me karate

[flashback to us nearly burning the house down trying to bake a cake together]

Me: first things first, we need a sword

@BBQJones28

I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.

@thatUPSdude

Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.