Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.