@ArfMeasures

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

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@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@Chicken_Hawk38

I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

@AbbieEvansXO

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

@markedly

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

@Quartzjixler

I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.

@Underchilde

One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.

@Calliejacobson

So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.

@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@zachreinert03

Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena