Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.


I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.


Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap


How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7


I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.


One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.


So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.


I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.


if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week


Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena