@_freebird99_

Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@Crutnacker

Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.

@Fred_Delicious

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

@LMHPhotog

*picks up beef bouillon

*decides against it

*puts it down

*picks up chicken bouillon

*nods confidently

– stock exchange

@rn_murse

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

@WheelTod

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

@Serrano___

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.