Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes