[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.
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Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.