“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Her: OMG! The holidays aren’t an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path.
Me: I eat like this everyday.
If I could have any superpower, I would pick China.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.