In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Your turtle puns tortoise family apart
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as “exhibit A”
I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.
CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.