HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Green is just blue that someone peed in