@Jake_Vig

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

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@ItsAndyRyan

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@FredTaming

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

@Bob_Janke

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

@LoneWolfStories

Her: OMG! The holidays aren’t an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path.

Me: I eat like this everyday.

@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.