her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
yes… yes…
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
😅😅😅
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.