@tangledteatime

Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger

Me: did you die

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

@Sickayduh

MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

@spacewizard_t

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

@robdelaney

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@BoomBamBunny

There’s no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y, or z in team either.

@3sunzzz

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.