Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger

Me: did you die

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[6 PM]


[7 PM]


[8 PM]


[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.


*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number


Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight


MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl


I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.


Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!


My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.


Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…


There’s no b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y, or z in team either.


I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.