@tangledteatime
@StewieTea2
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
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@StewieTea2
@LoriLuvsShoes
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
@DurtMcHurtt
Studs put the stds in u.
@iGreenMonk
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
@thepunningman
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
@1CleverGirl1
Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..
@WheelTod
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
@lildandeli0n
*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*
@MomOnFire
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
@robyn_vo
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.