My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
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My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
This will teach them to underestimate me
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that