@tangledteatime

Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger

Me: did you die

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@AbbyHasIssues

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

@VancityReynolds

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

@Iffy_Penguin

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-Pac-Man’s grocery list.

@LindaInDisguise

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@jerm1991

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

@TheAndrewNadeau

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

@bartandsoul

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.