@tangledteatime

Her: I got hit by lightning when I was younger

Me: did you die

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@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@LoriLuvsShoes

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend

@iGreenMonk

I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.

@thepunningman

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

@1CleverGirl1

Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..

@WheelTod

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.