Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
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Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
peak technology
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.