her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat


Me, eating an onion like an apple: Let me tell you why your relationships fail, pal


I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching


[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad


GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people


Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.


Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.


No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.


should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room


paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter