*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I can’t believe Obama just sat back and let this happen. #ThanksObama
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?