@actualhuman01

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

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@jonnysun

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@fillthevacuum

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@this503girl

Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.

@marcodas146

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

@Reverend_Scott

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

@BurgerKing

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?