her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job