Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
#Caturday