@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

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@Darlainky

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@Michael1979

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

@PamNotAnderson

thinking about when my mom and I saw LOTR in theaters and at one point she turned to me and whispered “this could never happen”

@pplwtching

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

@daemonic3

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

@theewren

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

@itsnella_

Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last