Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”


Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber


Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.



Me: It’s Tuesday.



Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.


Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”


Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.


ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.


My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.


New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods