Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Meanwhile in Canada…
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT