Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.


[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside


Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives


in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times


leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine


thinking about when my mom and I saw LOTR in theaters and at one point she turned to me and whispered “this could never happen”


Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.


Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”



Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying


Me: i have a headache

WebMD: and it’ll be your last