Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
multitasking lunch
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.