Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.


The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.


ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.


This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.


waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.


My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.


If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen


HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything


Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.


“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)