HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Realize this:
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
A Match(.com), but for socks.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too