My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together