Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
You Might Also Like
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I am never leaving this website
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes