Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”