Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”


Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?


Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.


Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.


We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.


You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.


4-year-old: What does God smell like?



Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?


*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.


[answers my phone]
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”